Dumbest Analysis?

[gcguy]

I was once asked for the results of some analysis. I pointed out that I didn't yet have the sample so could not say. This lead to a secondary question...Can you give me a rough estimate of the analysis?

I invoked Rule#1....no sample= no results.

GCguy

[Peter Apps]

Someone who wanted a pesticide analysis on tap water because the soil outside the house had been treated against termites and she was worried that the pesticide would get into the water through the walls of the galvanised iron pipes.

We had a short-lived epidemic of women wanting their husband's trousers analysed for perfume residues.

Not an analysis but we seemed to be the central switchboard's first choice for dumb enquiries - someone had read a magazine article extolling the health virtues of drinking dilute hydrogen peroxide but she did not want chemical hydrogen peroxide and did I know where she could get organic hydrogen peroxide ?

Peter

[Consumer Products Guy]

Tool definitions:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often

[Peter Apps]

In the same spirit

Gas chromatography column - device used to remove the last traces of oxygen and moisture from carrier gas by converting them into column bleed.

Gas purifier - device for accumulating contaminants from carrier gas and then releasing them all at once when you forget to change it.

Inlet liner - carefully optimised glassware that traps sample components and converts them into adsorptive gunk that traps even more sample components.

Syringe needle - the most effective tool in the lab for shredding inlet septa and dumping bits of them into the inlet

Peter

[gcguy]

Router table - perfect for propelling incorrectly tightened TCT lumps of metal through shirt sleeves narrowly missing arteries. (Personal experience!)

[Consumer Products Guy]

Router table - perfect for propelling incorrectly tightened TCT lumps of metal through shirt sleeves narrowly missing arteries. (Personal experience!)

Hey - I think you solved my problem, why I couldn't get wireless Internet at home - I've been using the wrong type of router. I guess there's a different type of router than the one in my workshop.

That other type of router should be quieter too...

[lmh]

I was once asked for the results of some analysis. I pointed out that I didn't yet have the sample so could not say. This lead to a secondary question...Can you give me a rough estimate of the analysis?

I invoked Rule#1....no sample= no results.

GCguy

This reminds me of the boss in my pre-analysis days (when I was a proper scientist) who asked me one lunch-time to do a 24-hour time-course experiment. Mid-morning the next day he asked me for the results.

[whdees]

I was once asked for the results of some analysis. I pointed out that I didn't yet have the sample so could not say. This lead to a secondary question...Can you give me a rough estimate of the analysis?

I invoked Rule#1....no sample= no results.

GCguy

This reminds me of the boss in my pre-analysis days (when I was a proper scientist) who asked me one lunch-time to do a 24-hour time-course experiment. Mid-morning the next day he asked me for the results.

and this reminds me of a competitors lab, offering 24 hour turnarounds on full TCLP... instead of tumbling the extractor at 30 RPM, he ran it at 90 RPM, and reduced the extraction time accordingly... what could possibly go wrong?

and then there was the guy who demanded the conversion factor required to go from mg/L to PPM... he couldn't seem to understand that they are the same, so I finally told him to multiply everything by 1.000, three decimal places, mind you, and he was happy...

[James_Ball]

I was once asked for the results of some analysis. I pointed out that I didn't yet have the sample so could not say. This lead to a secondary question...Can you give me a rough estimate of the analysis?

I invoked Rule#1....no sample= no results.

GCguy

This reminds me of the boss in my pre-analysis days (when I was a proper scientist) who asked me one lunch-time to do a 24-hour time-course experiment. Mid-morning the next day he asked me for the results.

and this reminds me of a competitors lab, offering 24 hour turnarounds on full TCLP... instead of tumbling the extractor at 30 RPM, he ran it at 90 RPM, and reduced the extraction time accordingly... what could possibly go wrong?

and then there was the guy who demanded the conversion factor required to go from mg/L to PPM... he couldn't seem to understand that they are the same, so I finally told him to multiply everything by 1.000, three decimal places, mind you, and he was happy...

I like when someone asks for 24 hour turn around on a BOD(test takes 5 days)

[whdees]

and this reminds me of a competitors lab, offering 24 hour turnarounds on full TCLP... instead of tumbling the extractor at 30 RPM, he ran it at 90 RPM, and reduced the extraction time accordingly... what could possibly go wrong?

and then there was the guy who demanded the conversion factor required to go from mg/L to PPM... he couldn't seem to understand that they are the same, so I finally told him to multiply everything by 1.000, three decimal places, mind you, and he was happy...

I like when someone asks for 24 hour turn around on a BOD(test takes 5 days)

sadly, I once saw a guy give one hour turn-arounds on 5 day BODs...he would hold the sample up to the light, give it a good sniff, and write down a number... pretty sure the statute of limitations has run out on that situation - it was almost 30 years ago (no, it wasn't me!)

[MichaelVW]

Speaking of sniffing... my submission for dumbest analysis is any "reactive cyanide." Not saying I'm inclined to try it, but I don't think I'd do worse than the method by sniffing a sample and guessing a number. Or dipping a strip of pH paper.

[James_Ball]

Speaking of sniffing... my submission for dumbest analysis is any "reactive cyanide." Not saying I'm inclined to try it, but I don't think I'd do worse than the method by sniffing a sample and guessing a number. Or dipping a strip of pH paper.

Here we get clients that have permits asking for both "Free Cyanide" and "Amenable Cyanide".

Basically free cyanide is always equal to amenable cyanide. Even the EPA has trouble deciding what the difference is and how to analyze for them. One group says they are the same, another argues they are different, but both come up with the same result for the same samples